i look at him. i love him. but, why do i love him? he makes me cry. he's leaving me. he touches me and i love him. i start crying. he says, "don't cry buttercup. i love you. come here." and he holds me. i want to die or i want this to last forever. i embarrass myself by sobbing and i feel so stupid that i love someone so much. i tell myself i should have learned by now. those who hold your heart will always break it. but i do it anyway. i love him.

i wish i didnt. i wish i could let him go and i wish i could know i would be okay. i feel like i'm dying. my heart is breaking. my eyes are always leaking and i can't seem to eat.

i want someone to look into my eyes and tell me they love me. i want him to hold me and kiss me like he'll always be there. i want someone to want me and i want people to stop telling me what i deserve.

i am too clingy. i am too vulnerable. i am too girly and i am too needy. i expect too much and i can't love unconditionally. i am flawed. i am not perfect, and he never will be either. i love him.

i feel like i've forgotten to say, "please" in front of the "stay". i feel like i haven't done enough and i feel like i've done too much.

do i love him? loving someone means you would do anything for them to be happy. but i can't. i dont want to let him go. he will be happy if he goes. it is what he thinks he needs, but i can't seem to want to look at the guy who has my entire heart and whisper, "goodbye".

i wish i was strong enough. i wish i was wise enough to know that out of all the mistakes you make, one has to be the biggest. i wish i could freeze time or speed it up so that my heart would either never break or i would skip the repair.

honestly, more than anything in the world, i want to look at him and say, "just stay" but i can only seem to whisper it when he's sleeping. i want him to look back at me and tell me he will. i want him to want to stay and i want him to want to be with me. i dont know if they are the same thing.

i dont want him to tell me that he loves me as he's walking out the door with the last box. i want him to say, "see" as he puts the ring on my finger. i dont want to wait forever. but i want him to be ready.

i just dont understand, why, if you want something so much you cant have it. and i dont know why i have to repeat all the lessons i'd thought i'd already learned.